Blockbusters you won't be seeing this season...

… for alas, they exist only in my head.

Pinokeanu

Once upon a time there was a humble toymaker called Gus Van Sant who dreamt of being a big movie director. So he picks up his tools and makes a little boy who can star in a series of lightweight comedies. Then, to everyone’s surprise, the toy boy grows into a man, and begins to take on serious dramatic roles. Sadly though, he never becomes a real actor, and remains forever made of wood.

Cast:
Keanu Reeves..…The little wooden feller
Tom Hanks…….…The humble toymaker
Joaquin Phoenix............Jiminy Cricket
Rowan Atkinson….......…Honest John


Lazarus of the Dead

Judea AD33: A man called Jesus is going around doing magic tricks, turning water into wine, feeding a multitude with loaves and fishes, and so forth. Then one day he is asked to bring a man called Lazarus back from the dead. Jesus lays his hands upon the corpse. Lazarus sits up and croaks “Brains… brains…” Lazarus then goes around eating people’s brains and turning them into zombies. Luckily Judas, the hero of the story, has suddenly acquired thirty pieces of silver (for reasons which will be revealed in a subplot), and uses them to fashion silver crossbow bolts, which (in a slight mismatch of horror mythologies) can be used to defeat the undead horde.

Cast:
Johnny Depp……………………….Judas Iscariot
Vin Diesel…………………………..Lazarus
Rowan Atkinson……………………A bungling English zombie
David Blaine.………………………Jesus of Nazareth
Abi Titmuss………………………...Mary Magdalene


Seven Drunken Knights

Obviously, this is a remake of Seven Samurai, set in medieval Europe, in which the protagonists are alcoholics.

Starring: The Pogues as the eponymous heroes, The Dubliners as the villagers, and Christie Moore as the bandit leader.


[That's enough - Ed].